“Baby you, you got what I need – but you say he’s just a friend…” – Biz Markie

Ahhh, the post break up mixed tape.  As soon as you hit play and grab the Ben & Jerry’s or Haagen-Dazs; you know you’ve got yourself a fully vetted pity party. You lament and torture yourself through this experience.  And you let the agony and pain engulf you as you hope that the lyrics of these songs will validate your experience and save you from yourself.  The most amazing part is that they do – somewhere deep down they words resonate and you pick yourself up.  Your strength returns and your courage builds.  

Who knew that those recordings had the power to console you, heal you, make you mad and be your lifeline to the outside world from which you condemned yourself from approximately 5 days ago.  Let’s face it.  At some point in our lives we have turned to they lyrical magic that is music to soothe us during our times of distress.  Music has saved us from ourselves, helped us nurse ourselves back into functional human beings. I remember playing Alanis Morisette’s Jagged Little Pill or You Oughta Know on repeat.  As I matured, I remember listening to Profyle’s Liar Cheater and Sunshine Anderson, I heard it all before.  I have to say, my favourite post break up song of all time is Allure – All Cried Out and Dru Hill – In my Bed (the so so def remix).

I remember relating to the words as if they were written for me.  Curled up in bed with his t-shirt and boxers on, singing with that pain filled voice.  Your whole family knew that you had broken up with him and to not come near you without a ten-foot pole.  Dad grumbling about how he’s going to kill him for hurting his little girl – which is only slightly comforting since it’s obvious, you’re not little anymore, you’re mature and grown trying to establish and maintain a relationship.  Mom is trying to placate you with your favourite foods which is even worse because now you’re alone and she’s trying to make you fat!  And this moment in time is that one time you wish you were an only child as your sibling dances around the house oblivious to your impending heart broken death or being overtly irritating by throwing your failure in your face!

But then the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months, months into years and one day, usually when you’re enjoying something peaceful, “I gotta be” by Jagged Edge comes on.  Pump the brakes!!! A tsunami of emotions course through your mind and body – a gigantic OMG I remember that song moment when you realize you’re about to be teleported.  You outwardly react, you might not think you do, but you do.  The music takes you on a long reminiscent stroll down memory lane, it reminds you of a time gone by, good or bad, but you’re so far past it now that you can only smile.  So many of our memories are linked to some song that can transport us back to some momentous time that we can remember fondly.

BADASS break up songs of the 80’s & 90’s…

80’s

All Out Of Love, by Air Supply

I Wish It Would Rain Down, by Phil Collins

(I Just) Died in Your Arms, by Cutting Crew

With or Without You, by U2

Fast Car, by Tracy Chapman

You Give Love a Bad Name, by Bon Jovi

Here Comes the Rain Again, by The Eurthymics

Broken Wings, by Mr. Mister

90’s

Sinead O'Connor, "Nothing Compares 2 U"

Notorious B.I.G., "Friend of Mine"

No Doubt, "Don't Speak

Stone Temple Pilots, "Interstate Love Song"

Smashing Pumpkins, "Perfect"

Lauryn Hill, "Ex-Factor"

Green Day, "When I Come Around"

Boyz II Men, "End of the Road"

Bell Biv DeVoe, "Poison"

TLC, "I Miss You So Much"

Dru Hill, “We’re Not Making Love No More”

Uncle Sam – I don’t ever want to see you again

Feel free to comment on your favourites, maybe put a link up and we’ll turn it into a play list for other’s in their times of need.

Biz Markie "Just A Friend"

All the single mamma’s, all the single mamma’s, now put your hands up…

Ok, granted, us single mom’s were probably not what Beyoncé was envisioning when she performed this song for the first time and the guys were fantasizing about some bikini clad go-go dancing yoga instructor who just turned 19 yesterday, but why not us?

Single mothers have a bad rep!  When we part ways with our ex and he moves on and typically upgrades – not in my situation, which on a side note, stings a little worse because if you left me, you should’ve done better than me exponentially!!  But I digress, we do right by our children, advocate for them and do whatever is necessary including a plethora of sacrifices to make sure they have a stable, grounded and well-rounded childhood.  We take their fathers to court for child support and hopefully put together a parenting plan that he’ll actually use to visit and we’re called gold digging bitches.  We decide to do this baby-raising thing on our own and make our own money however we can and we’re stamped ratchet bitches.  WTF?!  The common denominator is WE ARE TRYING TO TAKE CARE OF OUR KIDS.  Now, some of you baby daddies made bad decisions on who you chose to be your baby’s mother, just know, every time you decide to have sex the end result can always be a child.  So, if that’s not your end game, don’t pond hop with your dingy!  The same goes for women; you are NOT a 7-11!

Single mothers want to be loved with for their children to loved and adored they way the love and adore them.  If a woman ever tells you that this is NOT a package deal, RUN!  You’ve been warned; no good mother/woman would ever diss their child and abandons him/her for you.  If their child is replaceable, so are you – to the left to the left…!  However, if she says that she is a package deal, dudes get all crazy like and say they don’t want to be a father especially to someone else’s kid – well then, get to steppin’!  Stop looking at me like I’m BBQ pork hung up in a Chinese restaurant!  We want someone to love us and our children the same as you would if we were together from the beginning and had this child together.  If you can’t do that, take a hint from MC Hammer, “you can’t touch this!”

Single mothers are strong.  We are a resilient bunch of women who combat the every day dual parent world.  Through patronizing pity-filled eyes we are judged and thought to be second-class parents.  Had it even occurred to some of you that some single parents are single parents by choice?  However, no matter how strong we are, we want someone stronger, to hold and hug us, tell us it’ll be ok and protect us.  We want that one person who has our back and we can feel safe and let our guard down.  Blocking all that shade is exhausting.

Single mothers have been hurt in the worst kind of way.  She is struggling to deal with her situation – chosen or not – the best way she can.  When she decides to hit the dating scene again, it’s a hard adjustment.  We’re not like most girls you meet at a bar, we’re grown and most of the time more mature.  We have responsibilities that are much more demanding than your regular bar star.  We have body issues – yes, all of us do – we had a child, things have stretched, scarred and have been operated on. We have trust issues – if you don’t want to be with me, walk away, but please don’t cheat on me after everything I’ve been through.  That’s just plain ole hurtful and evil.  Don’t be mad when I don’t introduce you to my kids.  ‘Nuff said, I will do that when I feel safe and that’s on you.

Single mothers have a lot to offer the right person, especially a person that is receptive and ready.  We are solid, stable and able to care for ourselves and our children, which means we are able to care for the right man in the right situation, please don’t treat us like we have H1NO TOUCHY virus, we are not aliens, we are not contagious.  We have our own – job, money, car, home, stuff – we don’t need yours.

All types of people come from all types of places, don’t play house with one and judge the remainder on crimes committed by past indiscretions.  I get it, one bad potato ruins the sack; however, it’s just ONE BAD POTATO. 

This is my 2 cents, my perspective, my thoughts, my generalizations – this is not meant as a stereotype of all single mothers, single fathers, potential mates of single parents, etc…All The Single Ladies - Beyonce